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My youngest daughter is three and came up with her own sweet version of saying goodbye. She would say, "Happy Day!"

The family decided to teach her "see ya later, alligator" and "after while, crocodile"
Again, she add her own special touch. Much to all of our amusement, one day she turned around to say good bye and sweetly said, "Happy Gator!"

Miss Horn was very overweight, so her doctor finally prescribed a strict regimen, telling her it was the only way to avoid serious health problems in the future.

"I want you to eat normally for a day, then skip a day, drinking only water. Repeat this three times, and by the time I see you next Thursday you'll have lost at least 6 pounds."

The patient promised to obey, and when she showed up for her next appointment the next week, she was almost 15 pounds lighter.

"Excellent progress, Miss Horn!" enthused the doctor. "And you lost all this weight simply by following my instructions?"

Miss Horn nodded. "It wasn't easy, though, Doctor," she admitted. "On the third day I felt like I was about to die!"

"From hunger, huh?"

"No, no!" she replied. "From skipping."

Actual Business Signs
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married. Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl.. the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her?" asked the friend.

"She was looking for the perfect man," the gentleman answered.

Submitted by Mary Ann

Hiking In The Woods...
Three men are hiking through the woods,
and they come to a raging river.
The water is so deep and so fast
that it seems impossible to cross. The
first man offers a prayer, "Please, Lord,
give me the strength to cross this
river." The Lord decides that this is
a reasonable request. A cloud settles
over the man, and when it lifts, he
is taller, with legs like tree trunks
and massive arms. He struggles to cross
the river, and after 4 hours, he makes it.

The second man offers a prayer,
"Please, Lord, give me the strength and
ability to cross this river." The
Lord decides this is a reasonable request;
a cloud settles over the man, and
when it lifts, he has massive arms, and
there is a rowboat next to him. He
struggles across the river, and after 3
hours, he makes it across.

The third man offers a prayer,
"Please, Lord, give me the strength, ability
and wisdom to cross this river."
The Lord decides this is a reasonable
request; a cloud settles around the man,
and when it lifts, he has been changed into a
woman. She looks at a map, walks 100
yards downstream, and crosses the bridge!!

A husband, wanting to prove to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use about 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.

She thought about this, then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

Looking stunned, he said, "What?"

J. Burnet

A man asked God, "God, what is a million years in your time?" God answered "a second." The man asked, "God, what is a million dollars in your money?" God answered, "a penny." The man asked, "God, can I have a penny?" God said, "give me a second."

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and
girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a
long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many
cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the
attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as
if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my
business."

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because
he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a
note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10
times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR
TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with
this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a
ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a
classroom. The teacher was going
to explain evolution to the children.

The teacher asked a little boy:

Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can
see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later)
Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see God?

TOMMY: No.

TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because
he isn't there. He doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy
some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:

Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions
this time).

LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?

TOMMY: Yessssss

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?

TOMMY: Yes

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

TOMMY: No

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught
today in school, she must not have one!

Signs Found In Kitchens

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day!

So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!

Ring bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself!

If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

My house was clean last week. Too bad you missed it!

A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.

I came. I saw. I decided to order take out.

If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your standards.

Apology. Although you'll find our house a mess, come in, sit down,
converse. It doesn't always look like this. Some days it's even worse.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Help keep the kitchen clean. Eat out.

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines

Author unknown-submitted by Mary Ann