Submitted Stories

As I thought about submitting my story to your site, I
thought about how honest do I want to be, some things
are better left unsaid.But to bring things out into
the open I will be very honest. The first time I ever saw porn pictures I was about 7 years old and me and a friend found a box of old porn magazines beside a garbage. we eagerly veiwed the pictures and acted out as tho we were kissing them and etc... At this time I had a friend that had porn pictures up on his bedroom wall, and he made it out as though that was totally normal and his mom didnt mind.So with the magazines I had found I asked my parents if I could hang some pictures up on my walls out of these
magazines. They said no and they were shocked that my
friend was allowed to have them up on his walls and my
mom didnt want me going to that boys house anymore.
When I was 5 I witnessed a drunk man sexually assault my drunk mother, she had passed out and this man knocked on our door, he was a local neighbor. He proceeded to rub her hands all over his privates as though I wasnt even there. I told my mom about it the next day and she brushed it off as though it wasnt anything to major.Before I got saved I had the idea that this type of behaviour was acceptable. When I was with my first wife I used to have sex with her if she was drunk and asleep. I also used to put porn pictures behind the bed and when I had sex with her I would place the pictures in my view, I dont know if she knew or not.I grew up without any conscience or soul. Lust was love, having intercourse was love, this was not my doing as I was too young to even understand what anything meant, it wasnt until I dedicated my life to Jesus and got saved that I started to realize that love wasnt always saying do what ever you want to, but that love had a stern side to it.I always understood love to mean that if you tell me no, then
you dont love me.I didnt have any thoughts on anything, I truly was an animal with no conscience. I dont blame myself for these things either, as it was a behaviour that was taught to me at a very early age,I was not in control of it.But now as a grown man saved and right with God, I see where I erred and how I hurt people and myself.If you havent guessed yet I am a man, and I feel for women that have men in their lives that are addicted to porn or worse.I have a new wife now and I love her very much, I still struggle with sexual pictures on TV and it is hard not to notice these things, in fact it is impossible unless
you have a renewing of your mind thru Christ Jesus.Now as Ive found freedom from bondages I have struggled with though, I find that some women seem offended by a man if he dosnt notice her sexuality and I have discovered that the spirit of jezebel is alive in churches all over the world, this is a spirit that prefers a woman host and its goal is to control men and capture them so as to feel powerful.I pray that Jesus heal us all and I pray against this spirit of jezebel. Husbands viewing porn, it is not about you or
your looks or the way you are.If the world was not
geared to make men feel as though they have no male
authority, then the occurences of these behaviours
would likely be greatly reduced, but until the time
when Christ returns, there are things that will happen
until that time and it is not easy. I pray that men go
to a promise keepers meeting near them and find out
what other men have to say about these things, and I
pray that wives encourage their husbands to better
themselves, thanks

Hello i am glad to be able to help someone see the saving Grace of Christ Jesus. My story starts with the fact that i had been getting on the internet often. I never really thought that the internet had anything to tempt me with. I am a single mother of two girls and i have been celebite for 3 years. No dating etc. So because i knew that i was content in living single I figured that sexually lust would never have a entry in my life however one night about a month ago I was on the internet and I thought to myself how bad can the internet be. I decided to see what all the hype was about by typing in key words to see where it would get me. That night I realized that I had opened my heart to what would become my stronghold. I don't want to go into great detail about where I was lead but only that I was hooked and for 10 straight hours I never let my laptop down. All night I felt like a slave and I knew that this was wrong but because i let myself be enticed by it now I
felt no conviction. My main aim was to see the act but I was constantly being bombarded by different browsers that kept popping up. Anyhow I praise Jesus for forgiving me from seeking sin. My kids noticed that I was acting
different because from morining to night I was on the internet none stop and my email was being bombarded by the sites that I visited the night before. To come to the conclusion of my deliverence I realized that I wasn't prayed up and the Lords words were not in my heart. In other words I was weak and idle so the enemy came to lure me at my weak state and I fell for it. It took the HolyGhost to give me wisdom on how to go in my computer and erase cookies of the sights I had been looking at so when i got on the computer I didn't have surprises popping up. It took the HolyGhost giving me wisdom on how to block my email from addresses with certain keywords and also subjects with certain keywords. God also lead me in His word and showed me how I am to flea from youthful lusts so when I read what I should have already known it reminded me of my devotion to Christ. It wasn't easy to turn my back on what was giving me pleasure but I thank God for snatching my away from that darkness and uncleaness I felt. Lastly who ever reads this I want you to
understand that honestly I never wanted to really do it. Part of me was curious and I would have never considered the thought to do it if I had been in God's presence, in the Word, or attending church. I repented and I think
God 4 helping me cause it could have got worse and I could have still been caught into it. But deep down my will to do God's will overpowered my old nature. I fear God to much to play with Him and trample on His Grace continually. I encourage you to pray to God that He gives you the desire for righteousness and the fear of the Lord. I bless you and encourage you to stay strong. God is forgiving and He wills for you to be close to Him. Rebuke the devil and rely on Christ He will come to your rescue......kaye

This is going to be an extremely difficult story for me to tell. Part of it had been blocked away in my mind for years, and only about three years ago, it all came back to me, and I nearly had a nervous breakdown when all this came back to me. I had always thought that people could not possibly just totally forget something like this, and that people who said they suddenly remembered something dreadful, were just making it up to get attention or something. But it really happened to me, and now I know that the mind can totally shut down on something that is so horrible that remembering it is unbearable. This may have grammatical errors, and may be rambling, but I cannot go back over it, or backtrack, or I will never get my story told. Somehow, it seems like today is the day that I MUST get this out. I really feel led of the Lord to do it NOW. I don't know how anyone will feel about me after this, and there may possibly be some who know me that will really think less of me to know that I went through such a degrading and harmful situation.

A really quick background. When I married my first husband, I was a virgin at 21, and all the years of my marriage, until he decided he no longer loved me and wanted a divorce, I was totally and completely faithful to only him. In my first year of marriage, I found a stack of girlie magazines in his closet, but in those days, it was a real cop-out that all guys do this . . .it is a guy thing, and that it had nothing to do with the way he felt about me, etc. etc. etc. Anyway, that was my first experience with any kind of pornography. Finally, after begging him to stay, after 13 years of marriage, for the sake of our two children, even if he did not love me anymore, he refused and we were divorced. He told me that no one would ever want me, and there was a lot of emotional abuse there. But that is not the really bad part that I need to tell.

Within a year after my divorce, I met a young policeman, or at that time, he was a prison guard. He was five years younger than me, and I met him with his elderly parents in a restaurant, and we got to talking, and he talked to my children, and anyway, he called me that night and talked to me all night long. After that, we began going out and were inseparable. I realize now that my self-esteem was so low, that I fell for him in a major way, because here I had someone telling me how beautiful I was, and putting me on a pedestal, etc. It was like a balm to my soul after feeling like I was worthless and nothing for so long. This man seemed to be perfect in every way. He told me that he had been studying for the ministry when he came home and found his wife in bed with his friend; that they had gotten a divorce, and that he had been unable to continue in the ministry because of his divorce. I was so gullible, and at this point, had no reason to doubt what he was telling me. Against what I knew was right, we became intimate fairly quickly, and before long were talking about marriage. All during these early months, again, he was perfect, or so it seemed. Right here, I have to make a comment that sin can appear so beautiful and be so deceiving, and you can talk yourself into making anything right if you try hard enough. I did feel guilty sleeping with someone outside of marriage, but I was so in love, or so I thought, and we were going to get married, so I was somehow able to justify this in my mind.

Well, time went on, and within a few months or so, things really started changing, but by now, I was totally under his influence, and again, still thought I was so in love that I ignored a lot of warning signals. I will say thankfully that we never did anything around my children. At that time, their father was living with my best friend, and they did get the children every weekend, or at least every other weekend while he was with her. When they broke up, he only saw them maybe once a year from then, and right on up until now. He missed their whole growing up time, because he was only with my friend for about 9 months or so. I began to notice that this man (I dare not say his name even now, because I do not know where he is not, etc.) began to be very controlling, and by the time I realized how much he was controlling, I was terrified to try to break things off with him. I began to find out various things about him, but refused, at least then, to believe some of the things. He could always have an explanation for everything. There were three things that I did remember from the past: the rest of the story only came back to me a little over three years ago, and as I said, I thought I was going to lose my mind when I remembered. The three major things that I do remember is that one day we went to his house, and he said he had something to show me. That's when he showed me his robe, and I found out he was a high ranking official in the KKK. This made me sick to my stomach so much that I could barely speak, because I had always hated racism so much. I had always known that we are all precious in God's sight. I didn't know how or what to do. Maybe this sounds very naive of me, and maybe I was because I was totally inexperienced in what I started finding out about his life, and his REAL values, etc. He had so fooled me; he could quote Scripture and talk about God and the Bible like a preacher or something. I truly did not know what an evil and depraved person he was.

I did also remember that one day he came flying up to my house in his truck, and ran in panting and out of breath and really pale as a ghost, and sweaty all over. I didn't know what was wrong, except he said he was sick. I felt that something else was wrong too, but didn't know what. I did, however, call a neighbor to see if my children could come and play with hers for awhile, because I just, for some reason felt in my heart that something more than illness was at stake here. I thought he was dying, and I picked up the phone to dial for an ambulance and he mumbled, as he was lying on my bed, not to call. Well, I continued, and I heard a clicking, and he was pointing his gun at me, and said, 'I told you NOT to call.' I don't know what was wrong with me, but I was not frightened at all. I just said, 'What are you gonna do? Shoot me because I'm trying to get you help? Fine, just die then.' I might should mention here that he was 6'4" tall and weighed 320 lbs. and I was so so much smaller than he was. Another thing I did remember was that sometimes, he would sit on my chest until I could no longer breath, and I would be begging him to move, and finally he would, but he would always say he was just playing with me. He'd do the same thing with tickling me. He'd tickle me until I was in tears begging him to please stop. I also remembered that he had pretty much coerced me into watching really, really dirty movies with him, and that would make me ill to think of. But I didn't remember all the reasons why it made me so ill until years later.

Finally, it reached the point that I wanted out of this relationship so badly, but I was truly scared for my life, or my children's lives if I tried to be the one to break things off. So I began a campaign to do things that would make him angry with me, just any little thing I could do to bug him, hoping he would WANT to leave me. Oh, during this time, once I had cried and told his mom that we were having problems, and he came to the car after his mom went back into the house and threatened me with my life if I EVER got his mom involved ever again. Finally, he reached the point that he did want to break things off, or said that we had to, and told me that he had actually been married four time (he was 29 years old then) and that he had not gotten a divorce from his last wife yet. We broke up that night, and he left with tears pouring down his face.

After that, for weeks, and weeks, there would be a strange car sitting parked close to my home for hours at a time. We lived really out in the boonies. So he had me watched for a long time, and now I know why. He was afraid I was going to go to the authorities with what I knew. As soon as I could, I just on the spot before school started again for the fall, resigned my teaching position and took my children and we moved back to North Carolina where some of my family was, and there I got everything in my life straightened out, although still not remembering everything that had happened to me. I had only been there a short time, when he got in touch with me by mail, and started telling me how much he still loved me, and that he had worked so hard to finally get my address from my old school, who of course didn't at all know there would be a problem giving him my forwarding address. He had used his status as a police officer which he now was to try to get my telephone #, but had not been able to accomplish this. My children were at their cousins' house when he showed up on my doorstep. I was irritated that he had found me, but did not really feel afraid, just sick to my stomach, when I saw him. I didn't even think of it as stalking at the time, which it definitely was. I mean the man found me from another state and came to me. He told me that he had changed and that he was no longer with the KKK, etc. But see, when we broke up, I had prayed and begged forgiveness for the way I had been with him, and prayed that God would take away anything I had ever felt for this man, and God did. So, I didn't feel a thing for him, neither did I buy his supposedly very sincere change of heart and mind; this time, not at all. And if I had remembered at that time, what I later remembered, I would have never even spoken to him, but would have called the police. Oh, during this time we were together, he had a cop friend who was having an affair with another teacher, and they would often come to my house with us on the weekends my children were gone. Later, after I moved to North Carolina, out of the blue one day, this woman's natural husband, also found me, before my ex-fiance did, and threatened that if I ever testified in court and told what I knew about his wife and this cop that he would burn my condominium down and all the others connected to it. This really scared me, and I promised that I wanted nothing else to do with anything or anybody who had been a part of my life then. When I told my ex-fiance this, and reminded him of holding a gun on me, he said that no, he didn't hold the gun on me, and that he was sorry that I had been bothered by this other man. I told him that yes he had held a gun on me, and he then said, well, since I had moved away, they had found out that he had diabetes really bad, and that he must have been in a semi-coma or something because he surely didn't remember. Oh, something else that happened several times when I was with him was that we would be leaving his parents' house and driving back to my house sometimes, or somewhere else on the highway at night, when suddenly bright car lights would come on, and there would be a car right on our bumper nearly, and he would yell for me to get down, that I might get shot. So anyway, these are the things I remembered, which are bad enough, but the real story and how porn plays a part in this returned to me full force, well, instead of three years ago, nearly four years ago.

This is now what I remember, and know did happen. Yes, he was controlling, and yes, he would sit on my chest until I could no longer breathe, and yes he held a gun on me, and yes had threatened me many times, but what comes next is really difficult to talk about. It seems as if it had to have happened to another person. That's why I said that sin can appear in such beauty as to make you not realize that it is sin any more. Now I remember that yes, we would watch dirty movies at his very strong suggestion. They were revolting to me, because it wasn't just nudity, but it was porn movies about really sadistic sexual behavior and bondage, etc. I then started remembering what happened to me many times after he viewed these movies. Then he decided to act things out. He would hold me down and rape me over and over. He would force me into positions that were barely manageable, and he inserted all kinds of things into my body . . .vegetables, and well, just all kind of things. He always told me I was going to enjoy this. He never listened to my protests at all, never. He was so so sick that he truly acted as if he thought he was doing this for my pleasure. Of course, I do realize that he was not just a porn addict, but nearly insane with depravity. I also know now that he would have killed me in a heartbeat had I ever told this. I would have never told anyway, because I then later remembered that I knew if I told my brother, father, or brother-in-law, that one of them, or all of them would try to get him, at the least, locked up, and I knew I would be a dead woman then. Then I remember how he sodomized me repeatedly over the course of weeks, until the pain would be so unbearable that I would bleed, and he would still say that it would feel good in a little bit, to just relax. These are some of the hardest words I have ever tried to write in my life. As I said, now with my wonderful husband of two and a half years, I cannot imagine that I was ever in this depraved and sick relationship. When it all came back to me, it was when I had met my husband to be, and we were not married yet, so we did a lot of talking on the internet, and over the phone. One night when we were on the computer, communicating, suddenly ALL this about my former relationship came flooding back in; the very violent kind of pornography that he had me view with him, and then how he would act the movie out, such as tying my arms down and stuff like that, sitting down on me, raping me, sodomizing me, and all of this. I started weeping and could not stop, and my now husband kept typing in, what is wrong? Finally, I just responded that I had remembered something, and that I thought I was going to break down and would never be the same again.

He wanted to call me, but I told him that no, I would try to tell him on the computer. That way, he could not hear my voice or anything, and I felt more detached. I told him all this stuff, just knowing that after he heard this, about what I had been involved in, even though I was a total innocent when my relationship with this man had begun, that he would never, ever want to marry me then, but he was so so compassionate, and explained to me that it was not MY fault: that this man was a criminal, totally and completely, and that he knew that I had been scared for my life. I thank God every day for getting me out of that situation with my life still intact.
I was so blinded by his supposed love that he had me entrapped before I even knew at all what he was about, really. Yes, I know he was very sick, and that porn wasn't the only problem he had, but it was after the porn movies when he violated me and hurt me the most, always. Yes, my life was threatened each and every day if I ever told anyone anything. So folks, no one can tell me that pornography cannot be very dangerous, and when someone who is unstable to begin with gets into the hard core pornography, there is often criminal activity. One man in a chat room one night, where I was telling about Jenny's site, told me this was nothing but male bashing and that watching pornography no more made you do bad things than watching a murder movie would make you a murderer. I was really besieged from all over with people telling me that there was nothing wrong with porn, if both people wanted to see it, etc.

When I told them that I wasn't going to give details but that I had nearly died due to porn, they said it wasn't the porn, but something else wrong with this man. I am, however, convinced that in spite of his evil nature . . .oh,he and his cop friend would brag all the time about beating up black people when they would arrest them . . .I mean within an inch of their lives and threaten them that if they ever told how this happened, that they would kill them. In those days, this happened quite often, I think, and cops could get away with it, whereas maybe not quite so easily these days.Everyone, this happened to me nearly 18 years ago, and when I remember ALL the details that I now know, I was so incapacitated I thought I would never make it. I know there are probably other details hidden down in my mind, but I pray to God that nothing else ever comes to light again. I don't WANT to remember anything else. No one can ever convince me that porn doesn't harm anyone. I was a victim who nearly died, and as I said, the times I was hurt the most, and nearly killed were times right after watching hard core porn and he tried to act everything out as he had seen it.

I am so fortunate that I have a loving, Christian husband today, and I am able to have a healthy sexual relationship with him, in spite of what I went through in the past. My stepmother told me recently that in my last days with my ex-fiance that the Lord kept telling her that I was in danger, and that she would pray and pray for my safety. She still doesn't know what happened. Only my husband now, and my daughter know what happened. I have never told anyone else, and now here I am telling everybody, and somehow I feel a catharsis but on the other hand, I feel soiled and dirty all over again. I did feel totally and completely led to tell this story today, and so I did. I am not going back over anything, because I had to tell it as quickly as I could type and not look back, or it would have never been finished. I feel sick inside and hope that no one really looks down upon me now. Yes, I know I sinned by having a sexual relationship with someone I was not married to, but I did not deserve nearly being killed at this man's hands. I know this sounds like some hyped up movie or something,but all of you, this is the God's honest truth . . .this really happened to me, and but for God's grace and protection, I would no longer be alive, but probably burning in hell. Thank you Jesus for redeeming me after such a horrible time in my life. Thank all of you who read this and do not lose all respect for me. To you, who read this, and think I am a horrible person, I am so sorry, and yes, I felt like a horrible person; however, if this story helps get anyone out of a bad situation such as I was in, or make anyone realize how depraved pornography CAN make a person (I am sure that not all who are addicted to porn are all criminals . . .I was just unfortunate enough to be with one who was). This is what sin can lead one into.

Okay, the basics are told without nearly as many details as I remember, but at least the main points of what happened to me. This is my story. May God help this to never happen to any of you. God is my captain, and I will thank him forever for saving my life from this horribly, evil and sick man, and for forgiving me for my sexual relationship which I became involved in before the man showed his true colors, so to speak. So, folks, this is my story. _____________Mary Ann

My husband and I knew each other way back in
elementary school. He says he had a crush on me
ever since the fourth grade. After high school
though, we lost contact. I met someone, thought I
was in love and got married. It lasted 3 years.
Years after my divorce, I met my husband again
and we soon got married. We are both Christians
and were determined that we would live our lives
dedicated to the Lord. It was as if all my dreams
came true. We must have been in a honeymoon
phase holding hands and staying so close
together for the first 2-3 years. At the time, he
was working in a factory, but kept getting laid
off and so with our finances hurting, he decided
to go into another line of work, with more pay
and security. Thats when things seem to really
change with us and with him. There were a few
things that may have played a part in those
changes such as him having Adult ADHD. We both
had added stress with finances and then with my
medical problems as well. We had our share of
arguements about silly stuff and I had been in
and out of the hospital. But something in his
behavior towards me caused me to get suspicious.
Not only did he seem to be more distant
emotionally and physically, but he would be angry
with me at times and I would not know why. He
began to stay up really late at night. We have
had out computer ever since we have been married
as well as an internet service and so both of us
used it often. I primarily used the internet to
get information on homeschool and sepcial needs;
espeically ADHD. Both our two sons also have this
disorder. But I never really paid attention to my
husband's use until one night, I thought I would
see why he was not in bed. I realized he was at
the computer...again. So, me being a mischeivious
wife, decided to 'sneak up on him'. The shock at
what I saw left me speechless. Very quickly he
punched several keys to "hide" what he had been
looking at. I just could not believe it. In my
tears and hurt, all I could ask him was "Why?"
Well instead of receiving an apology, he seemed
absolutely furious with me...me..like I had done
something wrong! He accused me of spying on him.
It was so outrageous! Finally, instead of
continuing to feel shocked and hurt, I got mad.
My husband does not like it when I am mad;
especially if he is the one who got me there. So
he soon did apologize and even promised that he
would not ever go to such a site again. He then
said that after-all, it was an accident he was
even there in the first place. Well, I of course
forgave him, although our relationship felt
different. I did not feel as special to him nor
did I feel so close. Something more then those
pictures seemed to have divided us....I just did
not know what it was; not until a few months
later.
One of our children had an appointment, but
because of medical reasons, I do not drive. To
help me out, my husband "volunteered" to stay
home with the other children while my father took
us to the appointment. While at the doctors
office, I needed to call my husband and let him
know what the doctor had said. The phoneline was
busy. Our phone and internet service share the
same single line. It was odd to me, because he
rarely ever calls anyone. I tried several times
on the way home using my father's car phone.
Still busy. When we arrived home, my father
dropped us off and I came to the door to find all
the blinds shut. But not enought that I could not
see in and at the right angle I could see my
husband sitting at the computer. I also could see
what he was looking at on the screen. More
pornography, and he was really into it...so much
so he did not notice I had walked in and was
standing beside him. Our other children had been
told to play in their room and were not allowed
to come out. It did not take him long tbefore he
began yelling at me and being upset because I
caught him. Similar scenarios [either I would
catch him outright or find evidence on the
computer itself]would occur here and there for
the next four months. They would end the same way
with his apologizing and promising "never again"
and me forgiving and trying to hang on to a
relationship that was rapidly slipping away.
Probably another 3-4 months went by, until he
slipped up again. Tired of the lies, of crying,
of what I now could say was a total loss of
trust, I had had enough of it.
Obviously to me, there was something more then
him having a "guy thing" kind of problem. I was
very familiar with the scriptures in the Bible
and knew that even Jesus said that this sort of
activity was considered adultry. Because I
research and read up on anything which is of
interest to me, this beacme a priority. There are
many sites on the internet which offered insight
and help and gave me a better understanding of
what was going on here. Like many other wives, I
was beginning to feel bad about myself, my looks,
about everything. "What is wrong with me?!" was
my main question. Even my husband , when he
finally could admit he had a problem, would say
that it "had nothing to do with" me. It was hard
to learn not to personalize it though. After
visiting a few Christain sites designed to
address this problem, I now knew what to call
it...a sex addiction. Well I just was not going
to put up with it. Pornography is a sin in Gods
eyes and it had nearly destroyed a good Christian
marriage. No more! Every sin comes down to
making a choice. You either choose to sin or not
to. Even God promises to help keep people from
sin and temptation. No more lies or excuses. I
gave my husband a new choice~either God and me or
the porn. Thankfully, he chose God and me. Making
the choice was the easy part...the hard part is
sticking to it. Pornographic material and sexual
temptations are everywhere...on TV, the Internet,
magazines at his place of work, etc. It has
become just as common as profanity. So far, he
has stayed away from the porn on the internet and
I praise God for it! On occassion, we have come
accross a movie or show that will have nudity or
partial nudity in it to tempt him. [I'd like to
get rid of the TV!] My prayer is everyday that
God would keep my husbands mind pure and focused
on righteous things; that God would protect my
him from these temptations. I stand on His Word
and on my faith that He will do just that.
S.L.H.